Helping absolutely nothing is the decision to go PG-13 over an R rating (why not let this film go totally nuts, and, dare I say it, fantastical?), but even that doesn’t really matter because the narrative doesn’t provide anything that would even be enhanced by gruesome gore. Fantasy Island’s version of horror is a giant, scarred man in surgical scrubs randomly popping up places, maliciously bumbling around, and groaning, and half-second flashes of a guy with burnt skin randomly appearing in various scenes. The genre downgrade “Thriller” doesn’t fit because it’s not thrilling, and it’s not a comedy because it doesn’t even manage to be unintentionally funny. You could call it a drama, but even that implies a certain level of emotional attachment to the story that audiences just won’t get.

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